A misbehaving child is a discouraged child
Sometimes at the office colleagues of mine talk about their kids in a way that disturbs me a lot. They seem to please themselves into complaining about anything their child do when it comes to eating, sleeping, dressing, etc. One of them is specially sharp when talking about his two kids, and while I believe he might be a good father for them and actually love them, why does he talk like that all the time? It is widely accepted talking shit about your own kids. Like kids were actually something totally different from us adults, and those little persons do not know anything about anything and are not entitled to have opinions or decisions. I usually go back to my desk earlier when the conversation in the coffee break goes around kids.
I was very sure back in the day I did not want to be a mother. But when I became a mother (we can call my eldest a surprise, an accident, does not matter, it is not a secret), I thought this was the biggest responsibility I'll ever had and I became very worried, how do you raise a kid?.
Because I was terrified, and knew that most of people just educate their kids based in their own experience (to do the opposite or to keep the same) I hyper focused in reading about psychology and spent years reading a lot, attending to courses, and trying many things at home while raising my two daughters.
I'm very ignorant when it comes to deeper knowledge about human behavior, but for my home, I find myself very happily raising a stubborn flag:
- I never say "you are". Not for the good not for the bad. Every person has its own right to decide what they are, without anyone having to label them.
- I never say "I'm proud of you" or "I am disappointed". I change that to "I bet you are proud about that" or "uh, how do you feel about that..." or something like that.
- I don't fall in the "You can do anything you want". I say "whatever you want to achieve requires work: are you/we willing to work?" and many times I remind them "you can be a hard worker, you did that already". And I serve as memory-bank. Always got examples of earlier achievements.
- I am not afraid to say "No". "No" is usually claustrophobic since it feels like a box. Can I say a No-Box? No-Box might make kids stubborn and would want to test the limits of that box. Is a paper box or steel one? My box is usually steel one but inside the box I or they find decision making that they can do, we find the "Yes" inside the box. That relieves them (they still have power) and whatever limit is maintained.
- I do not punish or give rewards; that ruins communication, underrate solving skills, and capitalize education.
- If my kids have bad days, start "misbehaving" I stop and ask myself: did they maybe grow again? And I need to give more space, more decision making in their area, adjust here and there? This often changes everything.
Probably the most important learning I do from all that is never focus in what you see (the yelling, the confronting, the subject of the discussion...) sit down and think what is behind.
Dreikurs said: A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.
They should teach Dreikurs at schools.