a missing chapter
When I was very young I had a feeling I have missed a chapter everyone else had (had? saw? I don't know how to put this in English) and this was the reason I just did not fit in. I think we humans are believers by nature; we create all these fictions and we truly love believing them. In my case, I had the fiction for years that "one day" I will find my people. That never happened. At least 4 individuals which I could sense a great affinity level passed by my life, and I would have given anything for 2 of them to stay. However that did not happen. I wonder if anyone had the feeling to have found "their people" when they met me.
This is not self pity this time, and also I don't expect this to ever happen anymore, maybe for one year and a half now. I have been all my life an observer. I think a lot about how we interact, how we function. I truly enjoy many things, with a lot of passion sometimes. If I find myself wishing to share my inner self with "someone that will appear", I just cut it off. I don't know why it happened like this, and simply don't want to live in that fantasy anymore. It did not happen when we were more free and we did not have the age mask, even less will happen now that we are trapped by cellphones and we do wear an age mask. Plus I get a suspicion "my people" were aborted before birth so this is why they are nowhere to be seen.
It's interesting to walk in Madrid in the narrow streets of Lavapiés, where I used to live long time ago. Pure observation and this time with no expectation that my long stares and thoughts will ever be heard by anyone else.
After all, not finding my friends is the most constant humble cure I can have.
We are not important.