bad rehearsal
I started playing drums when I was 36, which is very late. I force myself to say this aloud, because I really wish I was playing for a lifetime, and I have an impulse to act and pretend as this has been the case when I'm talking about drums with people. But it is not true, the truth is as I said, I started very late, and now it's been 8 years I am playing. This weights a lot for me, for some reason. (Reason is I wish I was better at this and I will have a solid background).
Yesterday I had a really bad rehearsal at the orchestra. The thing is that I studied a lot for this day, and things did not go well. I missed entries and exits. Who cares that I played good during the songs, did a really good timing and some good fills... but I missed some entries/exits and those are unforgivable when it comes to drumming. After I left the place, I was very low, very down. Feeling depressed, like I'm not getting it right, not learning good, not sharp, not enough... I tend to be kind with myself, but yesterday I found nothing nice to tell me. When I am in this state, whoever I will talk with will get my history and very much likely I will try to hide the tears of auto-compassion. I had to go to the 2nd rehearsal, this time for el bloco, this is easier for me to play, the ambient is joyful and mistakes are welcome, plus I play quite good there. The people close to me were surprised to see me fighting with tears cause I had a bad rehearsal, gave me a clumsy hug (difficult to hug when you have a hanging drum) and even a person I don't like that much saw my struggle and was very nice during all the rehearsal. That felt warm.
Anyway, it was not only me who played terribly yesterday. That should not make me feel better but it does.
"Comparison is the killer of joy". I like to remember that sentence a lot. Makes me think. Another sentence I like is: "Only trust movement". It keeps the things that don't matter aside. It gives less relevance to the words and more to the acts.
Today evening I'll study well all those entries/exits. Concert is around the corner so no time to silly doubts. I should be nailing it already.